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<span>哥……去年过年回家的时候，无聊拿着爱派玩踩蚂蚁的游戏，我家猫就站在我肩膀上傻傻地看着，等会我把我家猫揍了一顿，玛德也不为啥，关键是它按的比我都快，按的比我都准，按的比我分都高……</span>


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<h2>别人变，我不变！</h2>
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<span>我弟弟在南京，评事街小区，星期天我上南京，顺路送点菜给他，上楼时候电话响了，一边接，一边上，结果404，我到304，就敲门了，<br/>三分钟，顶多三分钟，警察叔叔就到了，<br/>屋里面是个小男孩，才12岁，报的警，<br/>说我一看就不像好人，<br/>我像贼吗？操</span>


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<span>麻痹的，晚上约了个妞儿，开房的时候竟然比我大十五，操完才知道，她用她女儿的照片，然后化妆妖艳！我也是醉了</span>


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<span>说一个真事，当年哥在青岛上班。牙疼，需要拔智齿，到当时的一个牙科去问了一下500元。当时一咬牙500就500。下午我去了，医生说拔不了，说什么连着神经，不敢拔！疼得我啊。过两天回家，到农村一个朋友家去玩，他领我去了一个小牙科，张口要了15块！！就开始拔了，一下就弄下来了，医生不好意思了，就要了10块。多给都不要啊！就10块！！！这就尴尬了！！！</span>


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<span>跟老婆闹了点别扭，心情不好找单身汪表弟喝酒，外面两夫妻吵架，男的被女的拎着耳朵数落着过去了。路人都对男的或是同情或是不屑，表弟却羡慕地说：真想跟那个男的换个位置，咱都快三十了，还没个女的肯揪咱这耳朵，这资源不知道还要浪费多久……                              不喝了，咱得回家哄老婆去了</span>


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<span>最近公司保洁大妈辞职了，今天来了几个大妈应聘的，我对她们说了待遇，工作时间和要求后，就让她们回去等通知。<br/>这时，其中一个五十多岁大妈说话了：你们公司招人，不会有什么潜规则吧！</span>


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<span>坐公交车回家。车上一大爷，莫名其妙瞪着我，还骂我到：“年轻人，你有没有点素质，看见老人不懂得让座啊？”…我愤怒地站了起来：“爸！咱公共场合能不能别闹？”</span>


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<span>老公内科医生一枚，收了个吐血的病人，中午老公回家吃饭的时候病人又吐血了，下午去医院问值班护士：他吐血了，什么颜色，有多少？护士（实习的）回答：吐血的颜色跟大姨妈刚来的颜色一样。我老公听懵了。回来就问我，大姨妈刚来是什么颜色的</span>


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<span class="stats-vote"><i class="number">1478</i> 好笑</span>
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<span>前段时间老板不在公司，公司来个女的找业务，问我老板手机号是多少，我看着长的挺漂亮的，就把我一个单身多年的兄弟手机号给她了。过几分钟回来，我问她怎么样。她很气愤的说：你们老板太不是人了，居然调戏我……！！！</span>


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<span>小时候，我不会吹泡泡糖，我姐会，有天，我和我姐两个买了泡泡糖，她给我示范吹了个好大的泡泡，把脸都挡住了，我手欠，一巴掌过去，整个脸都被泡泡糖盖住了，这还不是重点，刘海都粘住了，只得拿剪刀剪了，也就是那天下午被我姐用鞭子抽的终生难忘！</span>


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<span class="stats-vote"><i class="number">1240</i> 好笑</span>
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<span>晚上坐车坐到一两点时，上来一对母子，然后有个小朋友就一直在座位上乱蹦哒的玩，影响了好多人睡觉，哥当时看不下去了，就拿出一本书来看，想着用哥看书时的宁静气质去感化他，去影响他，去引导他，结果一会儿哥就睡着了，睡梦中依稀听见小朋友疑惑的话语:妈妈，书还可以倒着读？？？</span>


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<span>就刚刚  老板娘给我打电话  叫我打牌  我说我不打牌  她又说你来嘛我们玩的其他的  很刺激  真搞不懂大白天的有啥子好玩的。</span>


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<span>数学课上老师发火：昨天你们很多人抄作业了吧，过程都一模一样，你们抄就算了，字也要写好看点啊，答案是12很多人都抄成了13，这我也忍了，但是谁tm写个B放那！</span>


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<span>楼主昨晚和发小一起去厕所(ps:没路灯挺黑的)。我脑子一热就问一下发小。我：你说说这盲人去厕所，没问到人，那他怎么分辨男女厕所的？发小一副惊讶的表情：靠嗅觉啊！我，我，我……</span>


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<span>当年读书时，去食堂打饭。都是五毛的饭，一元的菜。有个同学每次打来的饭都比我们要多点。据他透露，每次都是打个三毛的和个两毛的，加在一起比五毛的多。我永远忘不了，我拿着五个碗去打五个一毛的饭，食堂大妈看着我的眼神。</span>


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<span class="stats-vote"><i class="number">1052</i> 好笑</span>
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<span>你们认为这样对嘛？</span>


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<span>发小在外打拼三年，做到某保险公司经理，回来和我喝酒感慨良多:在我最落魄的时候幸好遇到了生命中的贵人……我问他是谁？他摇了摇头:那时我几个月没业绩快被开除了，骑单车在外面瞎转悠，遇到个碰瓷的，硬要我赔一百，经过我耐心忽悠终于买了我的保险！让我摆脱了被开除的命运重新找回自信，你说是不是我的贵人？……这真是一个励志的故事！</span>


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<span>男：今天上班时玩手机，有个陌生女人加我，反正我用的小号，和女人聊的很嗨，然后约她开房，她同意，我给老婆发信息，说晚上加班。刚才，我要陌生女人照片，她发过来以后，我一看傻眼了，我老婆照片，肯定她知道我的小号试探我，我该怎么办，不敢回她信息，不敢回家。<br/><br/>女：今天上班，加了一个骚男，好不容易聊到要开房的程度，我把自己照片发给他，估计这王八犊子竟然嫌我丑，不回我信息了，老公说要晚上加班，我自己晚上无聊死了……<br/>以上是我以前同学说的<br/>　∧＿∧ =-<br/>（´･ω･`) =-　闪人！<br/>　と´_,ノヾ =-...</span>
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<span>媳妇：老公，你也不管管你孩子，动不动就踢我，丫的，吃我的，喝我的，还不孝顺我，这大了还得了！？    我：………                                              媳妇：你倒是说话呀！                   我：你妹啊，在你肚子里，我说啥，说啥，说啥…………</span>


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<span>早点摊，吃煮鸡蛋，剥好壳之后，一口全塞进嘴里，然后慢慢嚼，慢慢嚼，对面坐着的一个小孩，看着我，学我的样子，可惜嘴不够大，鸡蛋塞不下，费了半天劲勉强塞进去了，嚼不动了…吐又吐不出来，咽又咽不下，我看着他不厚道的笑了，然后我看着他费力的把鸡蛋喷在了我面前的粥里，我就笑不出来了…</span>


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